Cookie Dough Diet
This one’s for all those Midwesterners who, like me, don’t believe in salmonella as anything more than something moms made up in an effort to dispel our cookie dough addiction. This ooey, gooey concoction serves up all of your basic food groups, all without needing to be baked. Plus, all you need is a spoon—no cleanup required.

Soylent Green Diet
Don’t worry, it really is made with plankton, not people. That’s the benefit of not living in a dystopian sci-fi film. These processed packages incorporate a nice balance of whale’s favorite food mixed with a healthy dose of soy, guaranteed to trim off your own blubber.

Tapeworm Diet
It’s as simple as consuming a new wriggly little friend. Just keep your meats undercooked and before you know it, your new pet parasitic flatworm will be growing inside you, sometimes up to even 50 feet long, infecting your digestive tract to the point that you’ll drop inches like no tomorrow. Now that’s sexy.

Pyramid Diet
Consider a world where you live your life according to a government-endorsed preset for what you should eat. Example: 6-11 servings of grains, 3-5 servings of veggies, 2-4 servings of fruit, 2-3 servings of meat/protein, 2-3 servings of dairy, and fats, oils, and sweets sparingly. They’re controlling what we’re eating, man. It’s a scary, socialist-feeling set of rules concerning consumption that’s hard to swallow.

Anti-Vegan Diet
This one’s all about rubbing your meat-loving existence (so Midwestern) in the faces of all those emaciated vegans and their rabbit food. The mantra: Protein, protein and more protein—including all variations of barnyard animals. You’ll get the meat sweats, but all that protein will have you building muscle like a pro.

Frisky Foods Diet
For a diet that keeps your juices flowing—in more ways than one—people are only consuming foods that increase the libido, including: hot chilies, asparagus, avocados, bananas, chocolate, oysters, pomegranate, red wine, salmon, walnuts, vanilla and watermelon. Who knew eating healthy could drive your sex life and help your drop pounds?

Iowa State Fair Diet
Basically, you can only gorge yourself on things found at the Iowa State Fair (or similar fairs found throughout the Midwest). It’s as easy as stocking up on Midwestern staples such as kettle corn, funnel cakes, chocolate-dipped bacon and of course everyone’s favorite—fried butter on a stick. Apparently, all of the grease trickles through your digestive system slowly enough that you’ll eventually feel too bloated to eat anything else.