There are things worse than a Midwestern winter. How about slipping on ice, falling into a snow bank, getting your clothes all wet and losing your toes to frostbite as a result? Maybe that’s a bit extreme, but just in case Laura Jordan, who migrated to Iowa three years ago,  is here to teach you about the art of the snow-shuffle. 

By Laura Jordan

In case you couldn’t tell, I’m a transplant. Until I moved to Iowa, the most snow I’d ever seen was about 3 inches of slush on the sidewalks of Seattle. My first real winter was rough. I fell approximately 27 times. In public.

Once they stopped laughing, my roommates taught me the art of snow-shuffling (a.k.a. how to walk in the snow without landing on your face or ass). Here are some simple steps to keeping your jeans dry this winter:

1. Wear good shoes. You know, the kind with traction. This is one time of the year Converse just won’t cut it.

2. Go slow. It’s easier to control your footing when you aren’t going 30 mph.

3. Don’t pick your feet up if you don’t have to. The higher off the ground your foot is, the higher your chances of falling and looking like a fool. There’s a reason it’s called a shuffle.

4. Take tiny steps. If you take a long step and slip, you’ll be doing the snow-splits. Painful and wet. So just don’t.

5. Watch where you’re going. Walking into traffic or trees is never good.

And that’s how you snow-shuffle. Now you can’t blame us if you fall.

Photo: Steven Betts

By Clara Haneberg
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Show some effort

Go ahead, walk across the street and introduce yourself to the family that just moved in. It’s never too late to do this—it just might be a bit more awkward if you exchange names after you’ve lived in close quarters for some time (understandably). Offer a hand if they need any help moving in and adjusting to their new location. Ask them about themselves and tell them about you. After all, no one wants to feel like a stranger in their own neighborhood.

Master “the wave”

It’s all about timing and consistency. After you wave once at someone, you might as well consider yourself in a waving relationship with him or her. Choosing not to wave, on the other hand, can result in awkward tension or bitterness; come on it’s such a small gesture. A simple head nod or finger-point may also suffice. The perfect wave occurs when both parties are making eye contact—whether it’s as you’re driving past one another or while you jog past and they’re getting the mail. It takes only a moment of your time, but means a world of difference in to your neighborly relationship.

Random acts of kindness

Did the couple across the street forget to close their garage door? Give them a call. Are they out-of-town? Clear their newspapers out of their driveway. Do your backyards overlap? Keep your dog off their property (it’s called an invisible fence). A close family member of theirs passed away? It’s casserole time. While some of these acts of kindness may take more time than others, it’s only neighborly to do them. Feel free to go above and beyond by excelling in this category. They will probably pay it forward.

Be respectful

So, your daughter has a new boyfriend. Encourage him to keep the music down when he cruising up your driveway and drops her off at 2 a.m. The same goes for decking the halls with 20,000 bulbs worth of irritatingly bright Christmas lights—don’t do it. No one wants to be that neighbor. Try to keep your yard tidy and house looking pristine on the outside. Make your neighbors feel proud of the community that they call “home.” This only requires general upkeep; minimal things you should do anyway.

Shoot the shit

Join the Bunko club, socialize at your neighborhood pool, sign up to be on the street’s golfing team, the list goes on and on. The point: Get to know your neighbors. Ask them about their family. If you don’t have kids, cheer theirs on at the local school district’s championship football game. Show up to every neighborhood BBQ and participate in the random garage sales, block parties, etc. Who knows, you might establish lifelong friendships with these people—even if there does come a time for you move to a new home.

Photo: Chris D Scott

Infographic By Kerri Sorrell 

]]> http://urbanplainsmag.com/2011/places/occupy-the-midwest-how-midwestern-cities-stack-up-against-national-competition/feed/ 2 http://urbanplainsmag.com/2011/featured/midwestern-survival-guide-best-flannel-for-your-body-type/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=midwestern-survival-guide-best-flannel-for-your-body-type http://urbanplainsmag.com/2011/featured/midwestern-survival-guide-best-flannel-for-your-body-type/#comments Mon, 05 Dec 2011 17:00:52 +0000 Lindsay Scarpello http://urbanplainsmag.com/2011/?p=2371 What does quintessential Midwestern idol Paul Bunyan have that you don’t? 

The best flannel shirt in town. (Not to mention a blue ox, but that’s neither here nor there.) It hugs his bulging biceps and falls down squarely through his waist.  If you’ve ever been jealous of his confident checkered attire, you’ve come to the right place. Be it plaid, tartan or checked, oversized or fitted, flannel is a deserving rite of passage into the realm of the Midwest.

By Olivia Young

But where can you find flannel? And, once you find it, how do you wear it? There are various ways to acquire the perfect flannel, and some are more user-friendly than others:

Head to your local mall. For better or for worse, flannel has taken its place among hair feathers and skinny jeans on the trends list. On the bright side, flannel novices can choose their level of rusticity: there are fitted flannels, flannels with belts and oversized flannels, and since flannel is so hot (literally—in the winter months, flannel is a toasty option, especially if you accidentally fall in the snow), it’s sold everywhere from Hollister to Macy’s.

The possibilities are endless. Women, wear your store-bought flannel with mid-calf boots and a belt for a not-too hobo look; men, pair yours with some dark wash jeans and loafers.

Voyage to the back of your father’s closet. Flannel can always be worn oversized, especially on women, so don’t worry if your dad’s grown a little…portly.  It may seem like like risky business to rifle through your dad’s wardrobe, but you might find a flannel gem, especially if your dad is of the farming or hunting inclination.

This is perfect—both novice and advanced flannel-wearers easily achieve that rustic-chic look in a vintage shirt. For the ladies, the belt is always a good accessory to flannel, as are skinny jeans or leggings. Men, keep it simple with a solid pair of denim.

Go on a Goodwill adventure. Because every trip to a thrift store is an adventure.  Waiting behind that matted, pink faux-fur vest from the 70s and the 90s stirrup leggings is the flannel for you. Thrift store flannels are usually about $5, so you get both authenticity and savings wrapped up into a very hipster plaid shirt.  (Add thick-rimmed glasses and a can of PBR and you’re golden.)

Photo: Erich, Eh?

By Evan Tonda

The person you’re awkwardly gaping at doesn’t seem to be wearing a Star Wars shirt so your fallback of emergency geek trivia probably isn’t the best idea. Instead you begin to mumble incoherently, while you try to think of something, anything to talk about with this yahoo.

Fear the uncomfortable or awkward silence no more. Here are some tips to instantly end the quiet and get any Midwesterner blabbing for an eternal amount of time:

The weather. People always say in the Midwest if you don’t like the weather, wait 5 minutes and it will change. Because of this, it’s always a great conversation piece. Everyone likes to complain about the weather and if it actually happens to be nice out, then people will want to talk about it even more.

College football. Whether you’re a Hawkeye, Husker, Cyclone, Badger or Bobcat, you almost always have a beef with another state’s team. Even if you aren’t into football, you have an opinion on this subject out of home-based pride. Just be sure to keep your arrogance in check, so no one forearms you halfway through the conversation.

Competition of the boring states. Sure, each of the Midwestern states has a shining star like Chicago or Minneapolis, but let’s be real: hanging out in Nebraska is just as boring as it is in Wisconsin. Still, people love to talk about how much better their state is than another. Next time you’re at a loss of words, start talking about how great your state is compared to—well wherever.

How much nicer Midwesterners are than the rest of the world. If you would like a conversation piece that might not get you punched in the nose, bond over how much nicer Midwesterners are than those outside our inner circle. You can talk about how Midwesterners love to smile at passing pedestrians, offer strangers a helping-hand, say hello to the cashier and so on. We really are nicer—it’s a fact—and something you can chat about safely and endlessly.

Photo: khalid Albaih

By Lindsay Scarpello

We’ve all been there: You’re in a stranger’s house, distinctly uncomfortable, and due to nervousness, worrying whether or not you’re pitting out. Don’t worry, you’re not in a horror movie (and you probably put on deodorant this morning)—instead, you’re just at your new neighbor’s or acquaintance’s house, forced to exchange simple pleasantries and engage in small talk.

Whoa there, Cynical Cindy. Stop fretting. Yes, you have been taken away from your usual Wednesday night routine of watching Bravo and playing Skyrim, but that may not necessarily be a bad thing if you’re in a Midwestern home. Here’s why:

Your host greets you with a genuine smile, a firm handshake, and a comment on the weather. Midwesterners are obsessed with the weather. Really, we can’t help it—that’s what happens when you get all of the extremes. But in addition to “that damned weather”, we always greet you with a firm handshake, eye contact, and a warm, genuine smile. For Midwesterners, it’s hard to fake pleasantries, so if we’re in a bad mood, you’ll know.

Upon entering our house, you will eat. Or else. Once inside said home, you will be offered many food and beverage options, and saying no is not an option. First of all, that piece of apple pie is likely homemade and delicious. Second, you’re looking too thin to be able to withstand a cutting Midwestern winter. Cue a plate of milk and cookies. And a Tupperware filled with a batch to take home.

You will feel at ease, or we will feed you until you’re too full to feel anything except like a stuffed animal. In all seriousness, though, we will do our best to make you feel at home. Whether that means asking you “what’s new?”, inviting our children to play with (read: idolize) you, or making your favorite dish for dinner (and insisting you take home leftovers), we will go above and beyond to be accommodating hosts.

Because in the Midwest, that’s just how we roll.

Photo: Aidan Jones

By Laura Johnson 

Plan ahead. Hustle outside about 5 to 10 minutes before you’re ready to leave and start your car. A warm car melts ice-packed windows, making it that much easier for you to do the scraper dance across the windshield. And try to remember where you parked; a large lot or crowded street could leave you trudging through feet of freezing flakes. Worst case scenario? Press the panic button.

Cover your mitts. Opting for the bare skin approach will leave your hands too numb to grip a steering wheel. Grab some heavy, water-proof mittens before stepping out the door, and your hands will forever be indebted to you.

Whip out your weapon of choice. Time to dig out your trusty window scraper/snow brush. If you’re buying new, splurge for the scraper surrounded by a down-filled mitten to keep your hand toasty (see Tip 2). Bonus tip: It’s a good idea to keep at least one snow removal tool inside your apartment in case your car doors are frozen shut by an impenetrable sheet of ice.

Unstick your windshield wipers before you use them. Resist the temptation to use your wipers to lift five pounds of snow from the windshield—they could snap. Instead, clear the snow off manually the best you can, and then carefully try to lift each wiper blade with your hand. Still stuck? Either wait for the defroster to kick in or use a de-icing solution.

Take it all off. The windows aren’t the only areas that need attention; clear the hood and roof of your motor vehicle too. Highway speeds plus a mountain of snow on your roof could lead to a blinding blizzard for the folks behind you. In some states it’s illegal to have snow piles on a moving car.

Invest in a shovel. This is especially important if you park on the street.When the city’s snow plows come barreling down the street, they often leave a nice mound of snow surrounding your car. Delightful, right?

Flag your attractive neighbor down for some snow removal help. Ok this isn’t an essential step, but why not? He’s hot.

Photo: e-dogg

By Kate Krug

First, grab some basic rations, blankets and your battery-powered radio (they still make those, right?) and head towards your creepy basement and wait it out. Nine times out of 10, you’re going to be chilling in a small, enclosed space while the tornado howls miles and miles away. Meanwhile, the weather team is sitting at the local station cackling with delight as we all freak out. But there’s always that chance that it is a serious situation, so don’t take any risks. Brownie points if you go the extra mile and perform the grade-school safety precaution of sitting criss-cross applesauce and clasping your hands over your neck.

Tornado warnings can last up to several hours, but if you’re lucky enough to have a fully furnished basement, it will probably just feel like a typical Friday night in. If your basement is leaky and home to a variety of little rodents, you have our condolences. Just pray that time passes super fast.

The screeching sound finally stops. Congrats, you survived! You may now gather your belongings and return to your usual routine.

Oh, and FYI: When you hear the alarm going off at 10 in the morning, it’s more than likely just one of those pesky monthly tests. Gotta love the Midwest.

Photo: Joe Mariano

By Clara Haneberg 

Awkward touches
You’re so past the basics: eye contact and exchanging cordial “hellos” in the hallway. You’ve both established there is sexual tension and moved on to more physical exchanges of affection: rubbing shoulders by the fax machine and touching her leg during staff meetings. Hiding your passion for one another makes this relationship fun, for the moment. But beware: Soon sneaking around in office won’t be enough to get your engine roaring.

Scheduling “meetings”
Creating a need to get together for some one-on-one time is the next logical step of your “business casual” encounter. Be weary of looking suspicious during this stage of the relationship. For example, having multiple meetings in one day isn’t realistic, especially if your jobs don’t overlap whatsoever. Be smart. Randomly bumping into each other at the same lunch venue is a safer option.

Carpooling
It’s only logical to carpool to work when you wake up in the same bed on Friday morning, right? That’s fine, just be sure to walk in 10 minutes apart from one another and look presentable—i.e. no sex hair. This is key to staying under the radar and avoiding office gossip. Next, you may start creating excuses to carpool in order to grab dinner after a long day of your boss breathing down your neck.

Making out at the office Christmas party
There’s no social event bigger than your workplace’s holiday party. You’re both dressed to impress and can’t wait to hit the dance floor. After one too many cocktails, though, you may convince yourself that this event should serve as your coming out party. An obnoxious amount of mistletoe doesn’t help your decision-making, either. So be bold and slip in a public-yet-prudent kiss. Proceed with caution, though, as too much tongue may harm your long-term career plans.

HR intervention
You’ve gone and done it. Your hand-grabbing and public flirting has garnered the attention of human resources. Given your company’s policy, you may get a stern talking to or asked to pack your things. Maybe your office doesn’t mind at all. Perhaps you should have looked into this when your relationship started. Oh well, your secret is out now, and it was totally worth it.

By Kerri Sorrell 

You see it in movies, you see it during ESPN halftime montages, you see it in your neighbor’s teeth during a pig roast. No delectable treat is holier to Midwesterners than corn, and if you’re trying to live the dream by growing your own mini-crop, it’s time to get your hands a little dirty.

There are a few necessities when growing your own corn. First, seeds. Menards, Theisen’s or your local garden shop should have a bountiful supply. Second, rich, fertile soil. Good thing you live in the Midwest. And third, a farmer’s hat. Because you might as well go all out, right?

Sweet corn-growing season starts in the late spring and lasts about 11 weeks. Plant your seeds when the ground is above 55 degrees in rows about 2 feet apart. Corn needs a lot of light, so plant your rows east to west. Then it’s Mother Nature’s turn to do some work. Sit back, have a beer and watch your Midwestern swag skyrocket alongside your beautiful stalks.

Fair warning: Animals will love your new crop, so it’s important to invest in a farm cat to keep your pest problem under control. You’ll know your corn is ready to harvest when the silks start browning and kernels produce a milky liquid when pinched. Keep your yield to yourself or sell it to support your inborn need to have the latest tech. Either way, you’re in the club.

Image via Zanastardust